Friendly – Having the temper and disposition of a friend; kind; favorable; disposed to promote the good of another.
Courteous – Polite; wellbred; being of elegant manners; civil; obliging; condescending.
Kind – Disposed to do good to others, and to make them happy by granting their requests, supplying their wants or assisting them in distress; having tenderness or goodness of nature; benevolent…
— Websters Dictionary of 1828

For this post, I am combining three points of the Scout Law into one. Friendly, Courteous, and Kind are three sides of a triangle that makes society work smoothly. When any of those are missing, we all suffer.

So much of the world today seems to be coarse and cruel. We see videos posted on the internet showing gangs beating and humiliating an innocent person while the mob of thugs laughs and videos this cruelty as though it were a great spectator sport. Although it is currently almost exclusively a Black phenomenon, history has shown that Whites tend to follow the worst traits of Black culture. That makes it all of society’s problem – it is not just a Black problem such that we can smugly point our fingers at someone else. While Whites have little or no influence over Black culture, we do have influence over our own. The question is – will we exercise that influence in a powerful way to assure that our culture, at least, is friendly, courteous, and kind. We must become active role models. The best outcome would be for other cultures to see and emulate this so that their culture is taken to a higher, nobler level.

Our objective here at Confederate Colonel is to preserve and build up the culture of the Southern gentleman. While the most immediate benefit is to ourselves and our families and our circle of friends, it also benefits all of society. Ideally, others will observe, appreciate, and then follow the life pattern of the Southern gentleman. That is what makes a successful culture.

A few quotes on manners and etiquette:

Traditionally Southern statesmen have been orators. A society emphasizing social rituals and manners requires a kind of reverence for words to adequately express sentiment and feeling. The dregs of this rhetoric remain the stock in trade of the grass roots politicians. The Southerner generally does not shy away—to the extent the Northerner does—from a use of language that is something more than bare statement. The Northerner, with his conditioned respect for practicality and getting-to-the-point is more likely to possess a far greater reading than speaking vocabulary and to associate anything more than simple expression with ostentation.
William Van O’Conner 1947

Manners are of more importance than laws…. Manners are what vex or soothe, corrupt or purify, exalt or debase, barbarize or refine us, by a constant, steady, uniform, insensible operation, like that of the air we breathe in.
Edmund Burke 1796

Good manners are made up of petty sacrifices.
Ralph Waldo Wmerson 1876

I have always been of the mind that in a democracy manners are the only effective weapons against the bowie-knife.
James Russell Lowell 1873

More quotes about manners.

If we don't respect our Flag, then how can we expect others to?

This photo is said to be from the 2011 Reunion, South Carolina Division, SCV. Now, I understand that there is some historical precedent for writing on a Confederate flag, and I am certain that this was done from a lack of knowledge and not from malice. That being said, we should know better than to treat our flag this way – but we don’t because we have not been taught.

The Confederate flag is not just a piece of cloth that one would write on to commemorate something. That is just a short step away from graffiti. The Confederate flag is not a cheap table cloth that one would set a Styrofoam coffee cup on.

When I say that this was done not with malice, but from a lack of knowledge, we really have only ourselves to blame. Without a set of rules and guidelines, we cannot expect people to know what is and is not acceptable use of the Confederate flag. There no widely-accepted code of etiquette for the Confederate flag as there is for the united States flag. The key phrase here is “widely-accepted”. There IS such a code, but it is largely unknown.

The Code of Confederate Flag Etiquette was a project of the Confederate Colonel forum in 2008. Confederate Colonel has since changed from a web forum to the current blog format, but at that time, we had a large pool of dedicated Southrons who took this on as a group project. I started by writing the basic document based on several existing flag codes. That was published on the forum, and members added their comments; we finally ended up with something we felt would give our flag the respect it deserves. It has been amended based on suggestions from reenactors, and I am confident that it will continue to be updated as we learn more.

We started with the basic idea that the Confederate flag is not merely an historical relic, but the flag of a nation. Not a nation that used to exist over a century ago and was defeated, but a real nation that, while defeated militarily, never formally surrendered or dissolved as a governmental or (more importantly) a social entity. Some may argue against that point, and we acknowledge that there are reasonable arguments against it; however, we decided that given the choice, we would err on the side of respect for a people and the flag that represents them. The Confederate flag still represents the Southern People.

In the previous post, A Southern Nation, I presented the case that The South is a nation. As such, the symbols of that nation are due the same level of respect as the symbols of any other nation. With that as a basic premise, we began with the regulations concerning the flag of the united States of America. Part of that basic premise includes the idea that the Confederate flag is of equal stature with the flags of other nations when displayed within the borders of the united States. When displayed at the same time and place as the united States flag, the Confederate flag should be treated in the same manner as the flag of other nations such as England or Canada or Australia. I will point out that, in the interest of not causing undue controversy, I never display both at the same time. That is my own personal decision though.

The Code of Confederate Flag Etiquette is a resource that I hope will be used to prevent the unintentional dishonoring of the flag of the Southern people – the flag that our ancestors fought and died under, and the flag that the Southern people live under. It deserves to be treated with respect.

• Can someone be a Southern gentleman when they are not in or from The South?
• Is it appropriate for a non-Southerner to use and display the Confederate flag and other symbols of The South?

The answer to these and similar questions is a resounding “Yes”. The state of being a Southern gentleman is no longer restricted to those living below the Mason-Dixon Line, and perhaps it never was. A Southern gentleman who accepts a job transfer to Maine or New York or to Scotland or Italy is no less a Southern gentleman after his move than before. A man living in Massachusetts with solid Northern roots and not a single drop of Southern ancestral blood can decide to take on the mantle of the Southern gentleman and become a far greater Southern gentleman than a direct descendent of Robert E. Lee living deep in the heart of Dixie.

Being a Southern gentleman is a state of being. It is a lifestyle based on the ancient code of chivalry. It is a mindset of putting others first and having a truly humble spirit. It is a respect for others – and for oneself. It is respecting the dignity of all men, no matter what their station in life may be. It is a deep and abiding reverence and respect for women, coupled with the manners and etiquette that outwardly demonstrate that reverence. It is the understanding that we are not self-made men, but we stand on the shoulders of those who came before us. It is a reverence for the God who created us, and who is the source of all of our many blessings.

Southern gentlemen can be found at every level of society from the janitor who cleans the toilets with the same pride in his workmanship as the finest craftsman, to the men occupying the highest positions of leadership in the land. It is not about money or occupation or social standing. It is about being a Southern gentleman.

Outwardly, the Southern gentleman can be identified as the man who always dresses well – not to impress, but out of respect for the dignity of those around him. He can be identified as the man who is at ease in a hut or in a palace – and always makes those around him feel at ease when they are near him. He has taken the time to learn the rules of social etiquette and practices them at all times, yet never points out the errors made by others. He understands the needs of women and accommodates those needs. The Bible speaks of women as “the weaker vessel”; the Southern gentleman discretely protects women and is prepared to actively defend them if no other options are available. He is quiet and soft-spoken. The Southern gentleman is seldom heard in a crowd unless he is speaking to you since his voice is kept soft and low so as to not call attention to himself; even when angry, his voice, like his demeanor, is kept under control. He never calls attention to his own success but points to the success of others. His leadership style is one of firmness and confidence such that others naturally look to him when leadership is needed.

Understand that no one possess all of these traits. Most of us are fortunate if we can successfully cultivate even a few of them. What sets a man apart as a Southern gentleman is that he understands the goals, knows that they are important, and strives with every fiber of his being to be a Southern gentleman. When he fails, he is determined to do better next time and never makes excuses.

Being a Southern gentleman is a journey. It is not a destination.

In times past, this would not have been seen as unusual, and even today it is still fairly standard for some people. What is unusual is that this was from a 16-year old; a young man who races motorcycles, lifts weights, and is on his school wrestling team. Sending hand-written thank you notes is a social skill that is not normally associated with someone in his age group. He did not learn it from his peers. He learned it because his parents taught him. He learned the importance of a social skill that I did not learn until much later in life. I am proud to have a nephew like that, and proud to have a brother and sister-in-law who taught him the importance of making that extra effort to hand-write a “thank you” note.

Shortly after my wife and I were married, we bought a set of stationary that we could use for just about any occasion. High quality stationary is not cheap, but it indicates the importance that is placed on its use. There are places to cut corners, but your personal stationary is not one of them.

My own preference for writing personal notes – and everything else, for that matter – is a fine point fountain pen. There is just something about words written with a fountain pen that give it a character that stands apart from that written with any other writing instrument. Unlike a ballpoint pen, a fountain pen requires no pressure on the paper, making it significantly more comfortable to use than other types of pens. A good quality fountain pen will last for many years if it is given reasonable care. I have my father’s fountain pen that I remember seeing him use when I was a child. When I inherited it, I sent it off to be completely refurbished, and it is now in beautiful shape.

My own fountain pen is a Pelikan Souveran 600. Pelikan makes very high quality pens, but doesn’t have an exorbitant advertising budget, so they are a very good buy. Not inexpensive, but quite reasonable for something that will last a lifetime, and you are likely to pass down to your children.

The type of pen you use isn’t what is important, though; just make sure you use it. In this day of email and texting and instant messaging, the hand-written note is becoming a lost art. It makes a real impression – in part because it is so rarely done. Buy some nice printed stationary and use it every chance you get.

We have probably all seen the advertisements for a “Work at Home” income. Aside from the fact that they are almost always a scheme to separate the gullible from their money, they also usually paint a picture of working while wearing pajamas and slippers. Perhaps there really are some people who can work that way, but my experience has shown just the opposite.

I have worked from my home, full time, since 1995. I am what many would consider an entrepreneur – I started a business after designing and writing a software program that turned out to be very popular within its niche. I have seen less than a half dozen of my customers face-to-face, so I could easily get away with spending my days unshaven and wearing whatever seemed to be most comfortable. While I have done just that for very brief periods, the effect it has on my attitude has proven to me that good grooming and dressing well are every bit as important – if not more so – than in an office filled with co-workers and clients.

While I sit in my office at home, I make sure than I shave each morning and put on nice dress clothes. At a minimum, I wear dress pants and a long sleeve white dress shirt. On occasion I will even wear a coat and tie. I have found that it has a profound effect on my productivity, my level of professionalism, my attentiveness, and how I deal with my customers on the phone. All are greatly improved as a direct result of my outward appearance – something that typically only I and my wife will see.

(Originally posted on May 27, 2010 – re-posted on June 30, 2011)

I suspect that, if asked for the number one source of social awkwardness, many of us would say it is remembering names. I have a terrible time of it, and suspect that you do also. The very core of being a Southern Gentleman lies in making others feel comfortable and important. Nothing makes a bigger impression in that regard than the simple act of remembering and using another person’s name.

As I have mentioned previously, I used to be heavily involved in politics. I remember talking with a young man who worked as a volunteer with our local congressman. He and his family had been big supporters for several years, and were at many of his local campaign events. This young man was clearly a face he should have recognized, yet the congressman never remembered or called him by his name. In frustration, he told me that the next time the congressman didn’t remember his name, he will have to find another volunteer. Politicians are famous for paying attention to names (especially big donors), and this congressman’s failure to give that same respect to this teenaged volunteer may have cost him a very hard worker. Trust me on this – dedicated campaign workers are extremely rare, and the politician who neglects them will pay a steep price for that oversight.

Here are some key points from the post. Be sure to read the full article.

The key to being a charismatic gentleman is making others feel important. And what better way to make someone feel important than by remembering their name? Remembering someone’s name tells them that they were special enough to have made a real impression on you. And everybody wants to feel special.

• Commit to listening and remembering
• Repeat early, repeat often
• Have them spell it out
• Use a mnemonic device
• Visualize the person’s name on their forehead
• Associate the person’s name with an easy to remember picture
• Associate the image that represents the person’s name to an outstanding facial feature on the person
• Takes notes
• Practice, practice, practice

These are just the key points – the original post includes the details.

There are two ways to mess up etiquette. One is too ignore it altogether. The other is to over-think it and overdo it, and thus make it weird and awkward. So keep that in mind as you read these guidelines; the most important thing to remember is simply to be natural and to use common sense! It’s definitely not too complicated; these guidelines are simply designed to allow you to be smooth, instead of standing there havy-cavy, wondering what to do.

Opening doors for women requires their cooperation. If you get to the door before a woman, opening the door is simple. Just open the door and hold it for her. Things get awkward when you and your gal arrive at the door at the same time or she gets there before you. In these types of situations, opening doors becomes much like a dance. Each sex has a role they need to fill for the operation to successfully work. If your lady arrives at the door before you or at the same time as you, she should step slightly to one side so that you can open the door without knocking her on her tuckus. If she opens the door for herself, that’s not a problem. See below.

Since moving up to the pacific northwest about 7 months ago, I have come to notice many of the differences in the cultures and traditions between back home in the South and here. Aside from their peculiar way of naming all of their east west streets after Northern Generals and Presidents, one seemingly simple bit of manners or etiquette that has struck me the most is the handshake, or lack thereof. I was raised, by both my mother and father that when meeting another male, the handshake was the most important aspect of that encounter.

Since settling in to our new home in Washington state, I have been meeting and being introduced to many new people, and I have been surprised by the lack of handshakes at many of those first encounters. Being raised in the southern traditions, I always extend my hand, I don’t even think about it, I just do it. But quite frequently, I extend my hand to the other person who has his hand in his pocket, and his reaction seems surprised. Now, for the most part, the older men I meet typically offer their hands for the meeting, but most of the men my age or slightly older, they never raise their hand first. This struck me odd, and has made me feel uncomfortable in some instances. There are other aspects and subtleties of the handshake, like firmness etc., but I won’t go into those.

I began to think about what the handshake is, and where it may have originated. From my search, there are several possibilities as to how the handshake became to being. From spending quite some time in Scotland several years ago, and my own personal studies of Scottish customs and traditions, I think I have a pretty good idea as to the nature of the handshake. There is a tradition in the highlands of Scotland, which developed over centuries, of passing the quaich.

The quaich was and is a traditional vessel for drinking whiskey, reserved for a specific ritual. Historically, in the highlands if a stranger or traveler came to your door, that person was invited in and offered food and shelter. One of the first customs was to pass the quaich to the newcomer. The quaich is a cup from which opposite sides extend a small tab or handle. The person offering the quaich would sip of the whiskey using his right hand to drink with ( the right hand usually being the sword wielding hand) and with his right hand pass the quaich to the newcomer, In turn the newcomer accepts the quaich with his right hand and takes a sip. This assured both home owner and visitor, that they were safe from agression and would not harm each other.

For me, this highland custom was very similar to our handshake. Both parties greeting would offer their right hand, again the hand that would wield a weapon, to assure each other no aggression, and a verbal greeting would be spoken. It also offered a simple way of making human contact. It was a way of establishing peace and friendship, and assuring that that agreement would be kept. I am sure that for the vast majority of readers here, the handshake is a normal and common part of their daily lives, but where I am living now, it seems not to be so. In this day where more of our relationships extend across the cyber-sphere, it seems the age old traditions and manners when it comes to polite a civilized interaction are beginning to wane. Call me old fashioned, but I can’t imagine this simple ritual of greeting not being a part of my way of living, and would encourage others to keep this important greeting a part of their lives.

About a month ago, Fox Lane High School Principal Joel Adelberg looked out his office window next to the parking lot and noticed some school seniors were dressed up as if heading to a job interview.

Students had on ties and tucked-in dress shirts.

Adelberg was noticing the start of “Gentleman’s Tuesday,” where boys trade in their jeans, sweatshirts and T-shirts for formal garb such as blazers, slacks and ties.

…

Gabrielson, a Bedford Hills resident, said the effort is “bringing class to class.” It goes beyond the ties, sports jackets and dress shoes. The idea is also to hold doors and shake hands instead of slapping high fives.

“I think it was kind of an innate reaction,” Gabrielson, said of adding a layer of manners to the Tuesday dress code.

During an interview in Adelberg’s office, Faitell looked out the window and spotted a fellow student coming into school looking more like he went to prep school than public.

“There are so many kids who are doing it now, I think probably about 40 to 50 guys doing it,” said Faitell, a Pound Ridge resident. “It’s just become like a whole different thing. Our whole motto behind it is we’re not only looking fancy or dressing well but we hold doors, we speak properly — no high fives, only shaking hands.”

…
After the interview, Swift held the door for a reporter and photographer leaving the principal’s office.

“By doing this, we’re sort of, although doing a very small part, we’re still bringing a little bit more (civility) into the world,” Swift said of the Tuesday trend.

And a quick walk through the school library shows that spirit has spread. Gregg Goldberg, a senior, was wearing a grey corduroy suit jacket, purple shirt and black tie.

“You don’t need to go to a fancy school to dress nicely,” said Goldberg, who lives in Bedford.

Oliver Silzer, another senior who had on beige pants, a white dress shirt and sneakers, said his outfit was “mixing in the casual with the professional.”

“They’re a little classier than your average pair of Nikes,” Silzer, a Pound Ridge resident said of his Ralph Lauren Polo shoes.

Adelberg is clearly pleased by the trend the four seniors started.

“It’s a creative idea,” the principal said. “That’s nice so many of their classmates have gotten into the same spirit.”